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INTRODUCE
LAWYERS
"You are a cheat!" shouted the attorney to his opponent.
"And you're a liar!" bellowed the opposition.
Banging his gavel loudly, the judge interjected, "Now
that both attorneys have been identified for the record, let's
get on with the case."
CONSULTATION FEES
A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a
butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's
office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a
piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment
for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers,
"Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole
a roast from me today."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for
$8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.
Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer:
$100 due for a consultation.
HELISOFT
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical
malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation
and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine
the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building,
flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that
said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the
tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large
sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU
ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the
course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After
they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he
had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because
they gave me a technically correct but completely useless
answer."
NEVER HEARD THAT EXCUSE
A fellow bought a new Corvette and was out on an interstate
for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was
blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to
open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly
saw a flashing red and bluelight behind him.
"There ain't no way they can catch a Corvette,"
he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle
hit 90, 100, 130 and finally 150 with the light still behind
him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and
pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and
examined it and the car. ''I've had a tough shift and this
is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so
if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't
heard before you can go!"
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man
said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Off you go," said the officer.
ALWAYS THE TRUTH
A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see
the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable
impulses. "Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I
wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor
family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is
too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They
are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless
someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400." "How
terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife.
"May I ask who you are?"
The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes.
"I'm the landlord," he sobbed.
COINCIDENCE
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The
lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down,
and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance
company paid for everything."
"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer.
"I'm here because my house and all my belongings were
destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for
everything."
The lawyer puzzled asked, "How do you start a flood?"
THE PLACE IS BUGGED
A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington.
The bride is concerned, and asks, "What if the place
is still bugged?"
The groom says, "I'll look for a bug." He looks
behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug. Finally,
he says, "AHA!" Under the rug was a disc with four
screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws,
throws them and the disc out the window.
The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds, "How
was your room? How was the service? How was your stay at the
Watergate Hotel?"
The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?"
The hotel manager says, "Well, the couple in the room
UNDER you complained that the chandelier fell on them."
THREE ACTIVE BOYS
Sally had three very active boys. One summer evening she was
playing cops and robbers in the back yard after dinner. One
of the boys "shot" his mother and yelled, "Bang!
You're dead!" She slumped to the ground and when she
didn't get up right away, a neighbor ran over to see if she
had been hurt in the fall.
When the neighbor bent over, the overworked mother opened
one eye and said, "Shhh. Don't give me away. It's the
only chance I've had to rest all day".
SEPARATION
An elderly man and his wife decided to separate. Before being
allowed to do so legally, the Family Court insisted they undergo
some counseling from the marriage guidance mob, to see if
their union could be saved.
The counselor did her best, but to no avail. The old folk
were absolutely *determined* to go through with separation
leading to divorce. Finally, in some desperation, the counselor
said: "But you're 95 and your wife is 93. You've been
married for 72 years! Why do you want to separate now??"
To which the wife replied: "We haven't been able to stand
each other for the last 46 years. But we thought we should
wait until all the children died before we split up."
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